Trust

I feel trusting a person is much valuable to me. If I tell you that I trust you then you must know that I value you and it comes inside me. So I mean it’s hard for me to tell somebody that I trust you. I fear that I might be deceived if I trust too much. In actual fact I now believe that instead of trust is risk, in the sense that I may never be very sure that the person I trust is trustworthy or what. So I refer it as taking a risk. Obviously, before I started not to believe in trust I had people that I trusted, like my best friend, my parents and my girlfriend. All these people that I’m counting are actually the ones that made me not to trust anyone at all. So even if there is a case whereby I have to choose one person from many people whom I can share my privacy with its not really that I trust that person but I’m taking a risk that might be likely to benefit me. I mean that even if I can tell you my private stuff it does not mean that I trust you, but it means that I’m taking a risk out of no option, it means that I have no other option but to share with you for my benefit. Trust is such a big word to me and I just don’t trust anyone in this planet earth.

I know people might wonder how on earth you can’t trust your parents, I say I don’t but that does not mean I don’t love them. I love my parents with all my heart but I really not trust them. It’s unfortunate because my father died and I will only tell you about my mother. The day my father died I was at the hostel in school. I mind you I did not know that he was even sick; I did not see him when he was sick, but it was for more than two weeks. Where on earth can your mother not tell you that your father is sick? I mean, my mother will fetch me at school when we were supposed to go for a party at home. Then I was writing a test on a Saturday, the teacher told me to leave the test and come out, I said what?? You want me to fail the test. The teachers just embraced me, I really wondered why because I was not sick. They just said I should go home, not telling me that something wrong had happened. I reached home still no one could tell me that my father is dead until I had it from my friends. I just told myself at that time that my mother does not care for me. I rephrased my thought and said she is just not trustworthy, how can my father fall sick for more than two weeks and she does not tell me that and the next thing he dies ad still she cannot tell me. To be frank, I just did not trust her from there, but I really love her though.

Other people that made me not to see the reason of trusting anyone is my friend and my girl friend. Those people were like my secret agents, every step I was taking in life, I told them and they knew every secret of me. They broke my heart simultaneously. One weekend I had to go out of my country for some other reasons for the whole weekend. I told my best friend that I was going out of the country for the whole weekend and asked him to stay in my house while I’m away. It was not my first time to ask him to take care of my house because I trusted him as my best friend. Then he stayed in my house then. So I went away. Fortunately I came home a day before the actual day. My friend was not aware that I would come back the day before, he thought I was going to come on a Monday but I came back on a Sunday. I knocked and he could not open, mind you it was raining. I went to the window and checked inside and found that he was not alone. Then I decided to go and sleep somewhere else. Just before I went away he called me. He said he is sorry. I said never mind you can be with your girlfriend ill sleep somewhere else. When I got in to greet his girlfriend, I was very disillusioned only to find that it was my girl friend.

I would time and again ask myself as to whom I should trust. All the people I trusted turned their back against me. Then what is the reason for me to trust any other person who is not even closer to me. The people closer to me have made me not to trust anyone at all. So from all the incidences that I have mentioned I concluded that I will never on earth trust anyone. I know some people will give me situations like, how can I handle it when I need to choose one person from many whom maybe I can give a secret code or something personally. I will simply tell people that in such situation I can choose one person, but still that does not mean I trust that person. It is just taking a risk; otherwise it is not good to say to a person, “I trusted you”. That is regret, then why should you do something that will regret at the end. So for me it does not work to for me to trust anybody at all. Once a person disappoints me I no longer say I trusted you, I just talk by myself and say “risks are just like that, it’s either positive or negative for me it does not come as a shock to be disappointed by a person who think I trusted him/her.

I’m definitely sure there are some people who think I trust them. They are right to have a positive thought, but actually I just don’t and that does not mean I don’t love them. I can never tell someone who think I trust him/her that I don’t trust them. It is good for people to have their positive thoughts in life. So I do not want to disappoint people, I like to see people happy and positive in life. It is like everyday life, like some people think they are taken superior by others when in the actual fact they are not, it’s just their thoughts I being superior. All the same people think I trust them because they think they think they are trustworthy. Even myself I believe that there are some people who trust me with all their hearts. At the same time I might be thinking something that is actually not happening, it is just something in my mind. I feel that I would be breaking people’s hearts if I tell them that I don’t trust them. People would start asking what they have done that makes me not to trust them. So that is a big question, it is better for me to keep it in me and not disappoint people.

So in conclusion, trust is a word that does not actually exist as far as I’m concerned. I mean everything that I might do that might seem to be trust is not, it is just a risk. I think trusting somebody is just taking a chance and so it’s not pure trust for me. I deliberately have no trust in anybody because I don’t want to be disappointed some day and regret it. I have seen some people hanging themselves because they have been disappointed by their loved ones, then I ask myself why did he/she trust her at the first place. Trust is not a joke it’s risky to trust somebody.